I’ll try to make this quick. About the beginning of June..June 1st to be exact, I woke up one morning and noticed the one thing nobody wants to see, a lump in their body. Mine was in my throat, at the bottom. My mom just wanted to dismiss it, but after doing some research I decided it was best for me not to put it off, so we went to the ER. The docs did blood tests and an ultrasound, and what they found was basically what I already knew. The doctor spouted out the word “tumor”. At any age, but especially mine, that’s the last thing you thing you have to deal with. People who know me know that it takes a lot to make me cry, but hearing that was more than enough. I became depressed, and basically felt doomed at that point. We usually associate tumors with cancer so i was all but sure I had it. With no reliable health insurance, I had a difficult time getting the proper tests done. I was told to see a certain doctor to get it looked at.
That night up until the day of my surgery, I was panicked, and I went online trying to find out what was wrong. Everything pointed to cancer, especially considering that I was a young male, my chance for cancer was increased dramatically.
I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but all of this brought me close to God, and to people I care about. I’m not gonna sit here and say I saw God physically come and change my life, I’m not going to try and convert anyone who doesnt want to believe in God, but I saw little signs that led me to believe that something bigger than myself was at work. I found an ex girlfriend of mine, my most recent one to be exact, to tell her what was going on. I had no intention of anything other than letting her know what was going on and keeping her posted periodically. Long story short: She was one of the biggest blessings during that time. She constantly reassured me that things would be fine. She almost knew, how, I dont know, but she would say she had confirmation from God. A lot of friends and family said the same thing, but I couldnt hear God, or if i did I couldnt tell. I became a hypochondriac, which basically means you take any and everything wrong with your body to an extreme and become paranoid about your health. I felt like a prisoner in my own body and if it were not for her, I probably would be a lot more unstable than I am now. The week before and the days after my surgery while I recovered, she almost never left my side. I was not expecting any of that from her. I barely expected talks on the phone, let alone someone taking care of me, and I never thought it would be her, but it was.
The Sunday before my surgery was a big day for me. I gave my life back to Christ that day. It was huge, and of course, it happened because of the girl I’d recently come back into contact with. I had no intentions of getting rededicated that day, just like I had no plans of even being at church with an ex, but something about that day, that place, and her being there gave me what I needed to do it. I walked up to the alter to dedicate my life to Christ that day. I had never formally gone to the alter because I was always afraid. i had wanted to go when i was little, but I never worked up the strength to go, eventually, I had just forgotten about even wanting to, and for a while, I didnt want to at all. I guess going through all of that changes things as silly as being nervous about a walk to an alter.
Long story short, I got the surgery done, because through some kind of crazy program i was able to get it despite my medical insurance issues. I went crazy and prayed like crazy waiting for the results, and they came back negative. My body is still adjusting to the changes of the surgery and my hypochondria has decreased a great deal on its own. Do i know for sure that God played a role in my prayers being answered, no, but I do BELIEVE that he did. I’ll never be able to prove it, but it’s what I choose to think. I also think he brought the right people in and outside of the hospital to see me through. As for me and the girl, we’re trying to work things out as best we can, but regardless i will always appreciate her for being there for me when I thought had no one here that I could see. Sometimes God doesn’t do things the way the bible says he does them. It’s not a loud thunderous noise, it’s not always a phenomenon, or something crazy. Sometimes it’s just little situations and people that all line up somehow.
aint blogged in a lil minute
XV- When We’re Done
a couple days ago